Ahead of tomorrow’s New Hampshire primaries, the candidates for both parties’ presidential nominations pulled out all the stops to appeal to their constituents. At a rally in Durham, projected Democratic frontrunner Bernie Sanders promised to resolve one of the biggest issues the American public faces; the completion and release of the sixth book in George R.R. Martin’s influential fantasy saga A Song of Ice and Fire.
“It’s high time that we hold the people who have become rich and famous off the backs of the common man to a higher standard.”, said the senator to a capacity crowd, “We need to send the very clear and concise message that we will not just sit back as he comes up with excuse after excuse for his lack of progress on a book that’s half leftover chapters from his last book. We, the public, will not rest until both the Winds of Winter and a Dream of Spring are in our hands, and silly talk of an 8th book ceased.”
Speaking to the press afterwards, Sanders made note of all the various distractions Martin had allowed to divert his attention from completing his saga, such as: football season, opening a movie theater, and his cameo in Sharknado 3 to promote the aforementioned theater. He then gave his three-point strategy on how he plans to make Martin complete the novel; economic sanctions on Martin’s publisher, revocation of his passport, and if the previous two fail, armed intervention. He justified these seemingly measures by pointing to a widely regarded drop in quality in the previous season of Game of Thrones.
“Just look at how they wrote Stannis Baratheon’s plotline. Any semblance of story logic went up in smoke long before Shireen ever did. You mean to tell me twenty-one men, Ramsay Bolton included, were able to destroy an army made of some of the most seasoned and highly regarded mercenaries in the world led by one of the series’ most hardened military commanders simply by lighting a horse on fire? Don’t even get me started on Brienne’s storyline or Jamie in Dorne.” He continued to mention his intentions of having David Benioff and Dan Weiss brought before a military tribunal on charges of treason.
When asked for comment, most of the other candidates seemed unaware of the book’s release as a hot button issue. Hillary Clinton, however, had a few choice words. “You can’t dictate how long an artist is allowed to complete their art, even if that’s literally the point of publishing deadlines.” Senator Clinton quipped when asked for a response, “I want to read about that Kelly C girl and her dragons, too, but it’ll be finished when it’s finished. You can’t rush quality.”
In a few short minutes, Sanders responded via tweets , seemingly prepared for his opponent’s response. “It would be a valid argument, if the best three books in the series didn’t come out at two year intervals. The decline in quality came after he started taking longer on the books.”
Ever the opinionated candidate, Donald Trump chimed in on the controversy stating, “This is why I gave up on Martin. If a contestant on the Apprentice had been that lazy, they would have been fired the first week. During the big gap between Feast and Dance, I lost interest and started looking into more productive fantasy writers like Brandon Sanderson. He knows how to execute his ideas cleanly and quickly. Think of me as a political Brandon Sanderson standing out against a field of bloated, overindulged Washington G.R.R.M.s.”
Everything Is A Social Construct 