12 States to Pretend Votes Actually Matter.

Today, March 1st, is Super Tuesday 2016. Arguably the most important day in both the Republican and Democratic primaries, 12 States and 1 territory have their delegates up for grabs. It is a widely held belief that whoever wins Super Tuesday will win the primary.

Speaking exclusively to EIASC, author and political analyst George Lazerbeak explained what makes Super Tuesday so important.

“It’s essentially the Super Bowl of the primaries.” Lazerbeak said, “We essentially make a giant, national, television event out of something that essentially doesn’t matter.”

Lazerbeak pointed to the machinations of party leaders on both sides, the undue corporate influence that has permeated proceedings,  proportional allocation, and the influence of Superdelegates on the Democratic proceedings as the biggest obfuscations of democracy.

“This is going to be a literal clusterfuck.”, Lazerbeak finished. Our editorial staff is inclined to agree.

Anti-Capitalist Spent $20,000 of His Parents Money on Clothes in 2015

image

Nicholas Gorev III, 16-year-old self-proclaimed anarcho-communist and frequent visitor of 4chan’s fashion board, was woken up to the shrill voice of his obviously angry mother much too early this morning after a long night of drinking and drug use.

Having reviewed his credit card purchases from the last year while filing his taxes, Nicholas’ father had discovered he had spent $21,316 on clothes from brands like Raf Simons, Rick Owens, Supreme, and Y-3 in 2015 in online shopping alone.

The young man was confused about his parents anger about him spending illusory fiat currency, and ignored his mother’s ranting while throwing away his Saturday outfit and picking out a $700 outfit to play Counter Strike and browse fashion tumblr blogs in today. When pressed for comment, Nicholas simply shouted “workers of the world unite!” out the third story of his 10 bedroom house.

Koch Bros. Trademark The Word “Cock” So You’ll Stop Saying Their Name Like That

image

In a registration filed this morning with the United States Copyright Office, Koch Industries have begun the process to trademark the word “cock” and all derivatives thereof. “It was the only logical step forward for the Koch name, both as a company, and as a family.” Charles Koch, C.E.O. of Koch Industries and CATO Institute co-founder, was quoted in a statement to the press. “It may seem at odds with my goals belief in liberty and free-market, but there’s only so much that a family can take. Our name isn’t pronounced that way, and we’re tired of immature jackasses calling us cocks.”

The move was met with near instantaneous criticism from legal and political circles. “The idea of copyrighting a curse word because people use it to make fun of your name or brand is absurd. It flies in the face of the First Amendment, and would set a nightmarish precedent about what words are aren’t acceptable.” says resident E.I.A.S.C. legal expert Harold Lugerman, Esq. “The scary part? With the amount of money and influence the Koch Brothers possess, they just might get it. You know how the government likes to stroke Kochs.”

We will update this story when new information is made available.

Kanye West $53 Million in Debt for Buying Positive Reviews

image

In a series of tweets, Kanye West proclaimed to owe $53 million in personal debt, that he’ll never have the resources to fulfill his true artistic visions, and that Mark Zuckerberg should invest $1 billion in Kanye due to his artistic merits. This comes during what many are considering a protracted meltdown on social media, with West attacking rapper Wiz Khalifa, proclaiming Bill Cosby’s innocence, and announcing multiple changes to his album as the release approached.

Many sources tie West’s debts to his extravagant jetsetting lifestyle, but inside sources tell EIASC a much darker story. The source accuses the star of buying positive reviews from leading music publications.

“Kanye has been doing it his whole career, really. He didn’t really push it into overdrive until he was about to release Yeezus, though.” the source explained to EIASC reporters, “The 9.5 from Pitchfork, the 4.5 stars from Rolling Stone. He was smart enough about it to leave some room for doubt, but there wasn’t a single review of that album where money didn’t exchange hands.”

The source claimed to have  been involved in a similar campaign with Kanye’s latest release, The Life of Pablo, until disagreements over the last minute changes caused West to dismiss him. The source noted that West’s confidence in the album seems to be wavering, with him promising to fix the track “Wolves”. He claims to have bank transfer records, but did not release them to EIASC reporters at press time.

Mark Wahlberg Inadvertantly Causes Philadelphia Financial Collapse

In a recent report published on Philly.com, over 40 restaurants have been ordered to cease and desist after Mark Wahlberg, in a stunning act of humility, and in an effort to promote his new restaurant: Wahlburgers, spent his weekend giving back to the less fortunate by selling burgers to mostly homeless college students at the popular Food Truck in the Northern Liberties section of Philadelphia.

In an EIASC exclusive interview, an anonymous employee describes the general atmosphere as being “He just kept telling us we can make bigger profit margins by not using water, soap, or gloves. He advised us that most Philadelphia restaurants do this and that we shouldn’t worry about it. The word quickly spread, and now we’re all being shut down.”

“Surely, we believe Wahlbergs appearance put Philadelphia food quality under a magnifying glass. We think he plotted to disrupt the business in our city so Wahlburgers can become a fiscal monopoly after it’s grand opening.”

“Most people in this great city don’t care about standard health protocols. That’s what makes us Philadelphia.”

Read more about the story here: http://mobile.philly.com/beta?wss=/philly/health&id=367845071&#hJ2MobhCk7AIQoiw.99

Zika Virus May Lead to Boom in Parents Exploiting Kids for Facebook Likes

The Zika Virus, a nearly symptom-free disease linked to severe birth defects, has become a major worldwide concern in a relatively short time after it was discovered to be transmissible through mosquito bites and sexual contact. The current outbreak was believed to have been started with the 2014 World Cup in Brazil, with the effects on the offspring of the infected only starting to become apparent in the passed few weeks, with the World Health Organization dubbing it a “public health emergency of international concern. The virus is linked to microencephaly, a birth defect causing incomplete skull and brain development in children, but expert sources speaking to EIASC have raised an even more worrying side effect of the recent outbreak.

“The most worrisome thing about this outbreak in my eyes – especially if it becomes as big a problem in the U.S. as I fear it will – is the potential for an influx of parents posting incessant pictures and videos of their poor afflicted children as a means to get money and attention through social media. Those shameless upper-middle class breeders that speak in incessant cliches about ‘raising awareness’ or ‘opening people’s eyes to these rare conditions’, ‘showing the world how strong and beautiful they are in spite of their illness or disability’, or ‘letting other suffering families know that they’re not alone’, while hanging a giant “Donate now” button in your face.” Doctor Michael Klienberger, a socially professor specializing in social media, gave this startling prediction about the effects the real world outbreak could have on the internet at large exclusively to EIASC. “If my projections are correct, one in five social media accounts will be dedicated to using disabled children as props so their parents can build a brand by the end of 2016.”

“Even worse,” Klienberger continued, “is that these poor children will be subjected to the cynical, relentless taunts of the internet. The parents know this fact -and honestly- tend to invite it because it reinforces their victim status while making them look saintly for not only going through the hardship of raising their genetic mistakes, but for enduring the unrelenting barbs of the community at large for doing so. They exploit these poor children, and insulate themselves from anyone pointing out how they’re exploiting them!” The professor went on to express concerns about the legitimate criticisms of this practice being lumped in with the “hate speech” and “cyberbullying”, leading to the wider community stifling the critical voices.

“That’s patently absurd. All these poor parents are trying to do is raise awareness, and let other suffering families know that they’re not alone.” proclaimed Patricia Brown, mother and founder of “Gosiah for Josiah”, an organization dedicated to combating McLuksy’s syndrome, a disease causing newborns’ bodies not to develop beyond a skull and spinal cord. “My son suffers the abuse of cyberbullies every day, all because my organization is trying to do is open people’s eyes to this rare condition. It’s hate speech.” She continued to say that we must continue showing the world how strong and beautiful the afflicted children are, in spite of their illnesses or disabilities. When asked about the financial status of Gosiah for Josiah, Mrs. Brown offered no comment.