Comedy – Everything Is A Social Construct

12 States to Pretend Votes Actually Matter.

March 1, 2016March 1, 2016Posted in ArticlesTagged Comedy, Democrats, Election 2016, political satire, Politics, Presidential Election, Primaries, Republicans, satireLeave a comment

Today, March 1st, is Super Tuesday 2016. Arguably the most important day in both the Republican and Democratic primaries, 12 States and 1 territory have their delegates up for grabs. It is a widely held belief that whoever wins Super Tuesday will win the primary.

Speaking exclusively to EIASC, author and political analyst George Lazerbeak explained what makes Super Tuesday so important.

“It’s essentially the Super Bowl of the primaries.” Lazerbeak said, “We essentially make a giant, national, television event out of something that essentially doesn’t matter.”

Lazerbeak pointed to the machinations of party leaders on both sides, the undue corporate influence that has permeated proceedings, proportional allocation, and the influence of Superdelegates on the Democratic proceedings as the biggest obfuscations of democracy.

“This is going to be a literal clusterfuck.”, Lazerbeak finished. Our editorial staff is inclined to agree.

Michael Gira to collaborate with Bill Cosby on new SWANS album

February 26, 2016Posted in UncategorizedTagged Bill Cosby, Comedy, Music, parody, Sexual Assault, SwansLeave a comment

Swans recently gave an interview to Pitchfork magazine in which they revealed details about their still-unnamed album to be released in May, and today we learned the 20-minute-plus compositions on the album will heavily feature the exciting addition of Bill Cosby on backing vocals.

Speaking to EIASC, Swans front man Michael Gira revealed that “Bill and me have a lot in common, and believe it or not we go way back. We would always talk about blending the volatile moodiness of midcentury free jazz and the melancholy of punk rock, and since this is our last album we figured, well, fuck it!” According to sources Mr. Cosby has appeared as a saxophonist on numerous unnamed but prominent jazz and R&B albums since the 1970s, but sees this album as “the opportunity of a lifetime, hopefully we can get away with it.” The album title cited by Consequence of Sound: “An Angel Sleeps In My Lap” was reported to be erroneous reporting by Gira, who quipped that “You won’t know what it’s really called til May, but it’s about something we’ve both been doing for decades!”

Swans never cease to update their sound, and for this new record we hopefully see some sly old dogs getting caught in old tricks, but something completely new. Knowing these wily pranksters, Gira is already predetermined to be guilty in the court of public opinion.

Anti-Capitalist Spent $20,000 of His Parents Money on Clothes in 2015

February 22, 2016Posted in UncategorizedTagged anti-capitalism, capitalism, Comedy, fashion, satireLeave a comment

Nicholas Gorev III, 16-year-old self-proclaimed anarcho-communist and frequent visitor of 4chan’s fashion board, was woken up to the shrill voice of his obviously angry mother much too early this morning after a long night of drinking and drug use.

Having reviewed his credit card purchases from the last year while filing his taxes, Nicholas’ father had discovered he had spent $21,316 on clothes from brands like Raf Simons, Rick Owens, Supreme, and Y-3 in 2015 in online shopping alone.

The young man was confused about his parents anger about him spending illusory fiat currency, and ignored his mother’s ranting while throwing away his Saturday outfit and picking out a $700 outfit to play Counter Strike and browse fashion tumblr blogs in today. When pressed for comment, Nicholas simply shouted “workers of the world unite!” out the third story of his 10 bedroom house.

Koch Bros. Trademark The Word “Cock” So You’ll Stop Saying Their Name Like That

February 18, 2016February 18, 2016Posted in ArticlesTagged business, Comedy, copyright, Koch Bros, language, satire, trademarkLeave a comment

In a registration filed this morning with the United States Copyright Office, Koch Industries have begun the process to trademark the word “cock” and all derivatives thereof. “It was the only logical step forward for the Koch name, both as a company, and as a family.” Charles Koch, C.E.O. of Koch Industries and CATO Institute co-founder, was quoted in a statement to the press. “It may seem at odds with my goals belief in liberty and free-market, but there’s only so much that a family can take. Our name isn’t pronounced that way, and we’re tired of immature jackasses calling us cocks.”

The move was met with near instantaneous criticism from legal and political circles. “The idea of copyrighting a curse word because people use it to make fun of your name or brand is absurd. It flies in the face of the First Amendment, and would set a nightmarish precedent about what words are aren’t acceptable.” says resident E.I.A.S.C. legal expert Harold Lugerman, Esq. “The scary part? With the amount of money and influence the Koch Brothers possess, they just might get it. You know how the government likes to stroke Kochs.”

We will update this story when new information is made available.

Kanye West $53 Million in Debt for Buying Positive Reviews

February 15, 2016Posted in UncategorizedTagged Comedy, hip hop, kanye west, Music, parody, rap, satireLeave a comment

In a series of tweets, Kanye West proclaimed to owe $53 million in personal debt, that he’ll never have the resources to fulfill his true artistic visions, and that Mark Zuckerberg should invest $1 billion in Kanye due to his artistic merits. This comes during what many are considering a protracted meltdown on social media, with West attacking rapper Wiz Khalifa, proclaiming Bill Cosby’s innocence, and announcing multiple changes to his album as the release approached.

Many sources tie West’s debts to his extravagant jetsetting lifestyle, but inside sources tell EIASC a much darker story. The source accuses the star of buying positive reviews from leading music publications.

“Kanye has been doing it his whole career, really. He didn’t really push it into overdrive until he was about to release Yeezus, though.” the source explained to EIASC reporters, “The 9.5 from Pitchfork, the 4.5 stars from Rolling Stone. He was smart enough about it to leave some room for doubt, but there wasn’t a single review of that album where money didn’t exchange hands.”

The source claimed to have been involved in a similar campaign with Kanye’s latest release, The Life of Pablo, until disagreements over the last minute changes caused West to dismiss him. The source noted that West’s confidence in the album seems to be wavering, with him promising to fix the track “Wolves”. He claims to have bank transfer records, but did not release them to EIASC reporters at press time.

Mark Wahlberg Inadvertantly Causes Philadelphia Financial Collapse

February 13, 2016February 13, 2016Posted in ArticlesTagged Comedy, dining, Finance, food, health, Mark Wahlberg, Marky Mark, parody, safety, satire, WahlburgersLeave a comment

In a recent report published on Philly.com, over 40 restaurants have been ordered to cease and desist after Mark Wahlberg, in a stunning act of humility, and in an effort to promote his new restaurant: Wahlburgers, spent his weekend giving back to the less fortunate by selling burgers to mostly homeless college students at the popular Food Truck in the Northern Liberties section of Philadelphia.

In an EIASC exclusive interview, an anonymous employee describes the general atmosphere as being “He just kept telling us we can make bigger profit margins by not using water, soap, or gloves. He advised us that most Philadelphia restaurants do this and that we shouldn’t worry about it. The word quickly spread, and now we’re all being shut down.”

“Surely, we believe Wahlbergs appearance put Philadelphia food quality under a magnifying glass. We think he plotted to disrupt the business in our city so Wahlburgers can become a fiscal monopoly after it’s grand opening.”

“Most people in this great city don’t care about standard health protocols. That’s what makes us Philadelphia.”

Thousands Dead, More Injured as Kanye West Hype Train Crashes

February 11, 2016February 11, 2016Posted in ArticlesTagged Comedy, hip hop, kanye west, memes, Music, new york city, parody, rap, the life of pabloLeave a comment

Kanye West’s new album The Life Of Pablo was aboard the largest Hype Train ever according to Guinness World Record’s, a train measuring at 3.7 Goblins, when en route to Madison Square Garden for the 4 pm release it tragically crashed in Staten Island. The damage has been estimated to have caused upwards of $80 billion in property damage as the train landed in Staten Island’s temporary City Hall, the municipal sewer system, and City Dump simultaneously.

The death toll is currently at 1200 but projected to rise. When pressed for comment, New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio’s statement was brief and vague, “I kind of forgot that place existed after the last Gravediggaz album really, but after we finish revitalizing Brooklyn we’ll be right on it.” Pitchfork has given the crash an 8.8 and Best New Music.

Fat Person Stops Running

February 11, 2016February 11, 2016Posted in UncategorizedTagged Comedy, Meme, New Jersey, Politics, republicanLeave a comment

In an unsurprising turn, New Jersey governor Chris Christie ended his bid for the Republican nomination. Governor Christie, once a rising star in the G.O.P., fell under the weight of corruption allegations and his own tough talking style. While having a strong showing against a malfunctioning Marco Rubio in the New Hampshire debate, he failed to gain much ground in the state. Now he will have to return to New Jersey, and have to actually do his job. Truly he leads a nightmare of a life.

WWE Honors Black History Month: Suspends Titus ONeil for Touching A McMahon While Black

February 10, 2016February 10, 2016Posted in ArticlesTagged Comedy, memes, parody, professional wrestling, racism, suspension, Titus O'Neil, Vince McMahon, wrestling, WWELeave a comment

Things got a little strange on Monday Night Raw after the ceremony held honoring the career of Daniel Bryan. In what many saw as an inoffensive move, Titus O’Neil grabbed Chairman Vince McMahon’s arm in what appeared to be a way to say something to him. McMahon reacted roughly as expected, in the most erratic and defensive way possible, shoving O’Neil and suspending him indefinitely the next day. The suspension, which WWE claims is due to “unprofessional conduct”, will likely sideline O’Neil until well after WrestleMania 32. The Internet Wrestling Community took issue with the move, pointing to McMahon’s noted past issues with racial insensitivity, including a sketch featuring McMahon saying the N-word in front of a stunned Booker T. However, in a statement to EIASC, WWE representatives tried to paint it in a more positive light.

“This is our way of celebrating Black History Month.” the representative told our reporters, “WWE has a rich tradition of black Superstars at every level. Mr. McMahon figured that there would be no better way to honor that rich tradition, than by giving one of our current, most notable black performers some time off to reflect upon this heritage.” When asked about why this policy did not extend to the much beloved trio The New Day, the source screeched loudly into the phone. “NO! YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE NEW DAY! THEY ARE ALL WE HAVE LEFT!” The call was abruptly terminated after.

J.K. Rowling to Beat the Dead Harry Potter Horse Once Again Because You’re Dumb Enough To Keep Giving Her Money

February 10, 2016February 10, 2016Posted in ArticlesTagged Comedy, desperation, hack, Harry Potter, If you can call this garbage Literature, J.K. Rowling, Literature, memes, money grabLeave a comment

In an exciting announcement for adults desperate to hold on to their childhood and preteen girls with bad taste in literature, J.K. Rowling announced on her profit-milking website Pottermore that her new stage play “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child” would be released as a script book, making it the 8th official Potter novel.

“We are so excited to work with Mrs. Rowling in bringing fans this wonderful new tale.”, said David Shelley, CEO of Rowling’s publisher Little, Brown Book Group, “We received a number of appeals from fans who couldn’t be in London to see the play, but are still retarded enough to throw their money at anything Potter related. We wanted to be as accomidating to their stupidity as possible.”

“With the amount of times I’ve beaten this dead horse, I should be arrested for animal abuse!”, Rowling said in her statement to Potterm- y’know what? Fuck it. It’s not even worth mocking at this point.

This is a personal appeal from the creators of EIASC; Please, PLEASE, don’t fall for this obvious cash grab. Hold yourself and the world’s content creators at a higher standard for once. Don’t just dump your money down the toilet just because the seat has Harry Potter written on it.