parody – Everything Is A Social Construct

Michael Gira to collaborate with Bill Cosby on new SWANS album

February 26, 2016Posted in UncategorizedTagged Bill Cosby, Comedy, Music, parody, Sexual Assault, SwansLeave a comment

Swans recently gave an interview to Pitchfork magazine in which they revealed details about their still-unnamed album to be released in May, and today we learned the 20-minute-plus compositions on the album will heavily feature the exciting addition of Bill Cosby on backing vocals.

Speaking to EIASC, Swans front man Michael Gira revealed that “Bill and me have a lot in common, and believe it or not we go way back. We would always talk about blending the volatile moodiness of midcentury free jazz and the melancholy of punk rock, and since this is our last album we figured, well, fuck it!” According to sources Mr. Cosby has appeared as a saxophonist on numerous unnamed but prominent jazz and R&B albums since the 1970s, but sees this album as “the opportunity of a lifetime, hopefully we can get away with it.” The album title cited by Consequence of Sound: “An Angel Sleeps In My Lap” was reported to be erroneous reporting by Gira, who quipped that “You won’t know what it’s really called til May, but it’s about something we’ve both been doing for decades!”

Swans never cease to update their sound, and for this new record we hopefully see some sly old dogs getting caught in old tricks, but something completely new. Knowing these wily pranksters, Gira is already predetermined to be guilty in the court of public opinion.

Kanye West $53 Million in Debt for Buying Positive Reviews

February 15, 2016Posted in UncategorizedTagged Comedy, hip hop, kanye west, Music, parody, rap, satireLeave a comment

In a series of tweets, Kanye West proclaimed to owe $53 million in personal debt, that he’ll never have the resources to fulfill his true artistic visions, and that Mark Zuckerberg should invest $1 billion in Kanye due to his artistic merits. This comes during what many are considering a protracted meltdown on social media, with West attacking rapper Wiz Khalifa, proclaiming Bill Cosby’s innocence, and announcing multiple changes to his album as the release approached.

Many sources tie West’s debts to his extravagant jetsetting lifestyle, but inside sources tell EIASC a much darker story. The source accuses the star of buying positive reviews from leading music publications.

“Kanye has been doing it his whole career, really. He didn’t really push it into overdrive until he was about to release Yeezus, though.” the source explained to EIASC reporters, “The 9.5 from Pitchfork, the 4.5 stars from Rolling Stone. He was smart enough about it to leave some room for doubt, but there wasn’t a single review of that album where money didn’t exchange hands.”

The source claimed to have been involved in a similar campaign with Kanye’s latest release, The Life of Pablo, until disagreements over the last minute changes caused West to dismiss him. The source noted that West’s confidence in the album seems to be wavering, with him promising to fix the track “Wolves”. He claims to have bank transfer records, but did not release them to EIASC reporters at press time.

Mark Wahlberg Inadvertantly Causes Philadelphia Financial Collapse

February 13, 2016February 13, 2016Posted in ArticlesTagged Comedy, dining, Finance, food, health, Mark Wahlberg, Marky Mark, parody, safety, satire, WahlburgersLeave a comment

In a recent report published on Philly.com, over 40 restaurants have been ordered to cease and desist after Mark Wahlberg, in a stunning act of humility, and in an effort to promote his new restaurant: Wahlburgers, spent his weekend giving back to the less fortunate by selling burgers to mostly homeless college students at the popular Food Truck in the Northern Liberties section of Philadelphia.

In an EIASC exclusive interview, an anonymous employee describes the general atmosphere as being “He just kept telling us we can make bigger profit margins by not using water, soap, or gloves. He advised us that most Philadelphia restaurants do this and that we shouldn’t worry about it. The word quickly spread, and now we’re all being shut down.”

“Surely, we believe Wahlbergs appearance put Philadelphia food quality under a magnifying glass. We think he plotted to disrupt the business in our city so Wahlburgers can become a fiscal monopoly after it’s grand opening.”

“Most people in this great city don’t care about standard health protocols. That’s what makes us Philadelphia.”

Thousands Dead, More Injured as Kanye West Hype Train Crashes

February 11, 2016February 11, 2016Posted in ArticlesTagged Comedy, hip hop, kanye west, memes, Music, new york city, parody, rap, the life of pabloLeave a comment

Kanye West’s new album The Life Of Pablo was aboard the largest Hype Train ever according to Guinness World Record’s, a train measuring at 3.7 Goblins, when en route to Madison Square Garden for the 4 pm release it tragically crashed in Staten Island. The damage has been estimated to have caused upwards of $80 billion in property damage as the train landed in Staten Island’s temporary City Hall, the municipal sewer system, and City Dump simultaneously.

The death toll is currently at 1200 but projected to rise. When pressed for comment, New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio’s statement was brief and vague, “I kind of forgot that place existed after the last Gravediggaz album really, but after we finish revitalizing Brooklyn we’ll be right on it.” Pitchfork has given the crash an 8.8 and Best New Music.

WWE Honors Black History Month: Suspends Titus ONeil for Touching A McMahon While Black

February 10, 2016February 10, 2016Posted in ArticlesTagged Comedy, memes, parody, professional wrestling, racism, suspension, Titus O'Neil, Vince McMahon, wrestling, WWELeave a comment

Things got a little strange on Monday Night Raw after the ceremony held honoring the career of Daniel Bryan. In what many saw as an inoffensive move, Titus O’Neil grabbed Chairman Vince McMahon’s arm in what appeared to be a way to say something to him. McMahon reacted roughly as expected, in the most erratic and defensive way possible, shoving O’Neil and suspending him indefinitely the next day. The suspension, which WWE claims is due to “unprofessional conduct”, will likely sideline O’Neil until well after WrestleMania 32. The Internet Wrestling Community took issue with the move, pointing to McMahon’s noted past issues with racial insensitivity, including a sketch featuring McMahon saying the N-word in front of a stunned Booker T. However, in a statement to EIASC, WWE representatives tried to paint it in a more positive light.

“This is our way of celebrating Black History Month.” the representative told our reporters, “WWE has a rich tradition of black Superstars at every level. Mr. McMahon figured that there would be no better way to honor that rich tradition, than by giving one of our current, most notable black performers some time off to reflect upon this heritage.” When asked about why this policy did not extend to the much beloved trio The New Day, the source screeched loudly into the phone. “NO! YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE NEW DAY! THEY ARE ALL WE HAVE LEFT!” The call was abruptly terminated after.